Relationship: the process of finding yourself

Over the last few months, I’ve had a lot of therapy clients dealing with relationship issues. It is so incredible within this work to try break down what intimate partnership, relationship, monogamy or intimacy means for each and every one. Many struggling with the concepts of what it means to be committed to one person. It comes up over and over again; expectation around what your role should be ie what he should be doing, what she won’t do, and so on and so forth. We get consumed by the muck and lose sight of why we came to be connected in the first place.  

Early in relationship, romantic love is all consuming. Being in love or this concept of erotic love or falling in love is what (my favourite Jungian Psychotherapist) Dr James Hollis calls, a type of “transient psychosis”. He wrote a book called “The Eden Project In Search of the Magical Other” A Jungian Perspective of Relationship. It is the most profound, prolific awareness of what erotic love and partnership is actually about. An understanding of what it means to be in relationship and how we have fabricated these unrealistic expectations on the other, so of course we end up disjointed, disillusioned and disappointed. The projection of the self can and will never match up. We search our whole lives for this ‘magical’ other -  ‘the one’ - that will pull us out of our mess (our unresolved childhood wounding), take us back ‘home’ and make us whole. But, that doesn’t exist. How time and time again, we put that ridiculous expectation onto the other, so they will only ever ‘fail’ and cannot possibly fulfil all our needs. It’s so clear sitting with couples in my room. We can never get everything from one person, it is not possible. So, let’s break it down, how do we live fulfilled in intimate partnership and find outlets that make us feel more whole, at peace… there are so many ways, tools, and allowances we need to give one another. 

The other is simply a mirror of the self. Partnership is about companionship and someone to witness your life journey. We don’t necessarily evolve in isolation. All the partners I have had over the last decade have led me to now, a totally different woman with different needs, desires, wants. And, I am full of gratitude for each and everyone of them, as they led me into more awareness and opened me up to the next, which interestingly enough are always more evolved and conscious connections. I fully believe if we understand what we want & need, it will manifest and come to us at exactly the right time. 

We can only meet someone at their level of consciousness, that is why it is crazy trying to ‘change’ someone or make them more aware? Because, they will reach awareness when their soul is ready. 

It is a book that should be read by anyone wanting to have a fulfilling, conscious partnership. We will never find everything in one person, and our individuation & growth of the self is what makes the 3rd entity ie the top of the triangle; the re-lationship survive. In therapy, when we start to understand what is our own and not blame the ‘other’, the relationship explodes into awareness. I wish I had this knowledge before for my own.

As per the incredible Ester Perel; LOVE is a VERB (ie it’s work), it is not a constant state of being. 

Work at being the best version of yourself so you don’t taint the partnership with your own past story; take the love, the loss, the pain and deal with it. Don’t buy into the story that the person standing in front of you might be better or worse than the last one. You won’t know unless you go into new connectedness like a naive child (but with adult awareness), with a clean slate, openness, respect, curiosity & unconditional love (not for what you can get but what you can give) 

Relationship work is one of my specialities and becoming a real favourite simply because, nothing happens in isolation and the more that people come to me for relationship work, the more they start to understand themselves. The awareness in the mirror is everything to wake us up. It’s vital, life changing work. 

Coming into therapy because your partner doesn’t understand you, there’s a dissonance, they don’t get you, they aren’t doing certain things that are expected, and your sex life is crap, they don’t do dishes… all the stories around what the problems are that brought you here, is simply exhausting storytelling texture. What is your need that isn’t getting met? Usually it’s your own to own. Once we get it, we leave knowing the truth is that you haven’t serviced your own authentic needs for years, and the repressed anger, the lack of authenticity about who you are and what you need, is really hard to acknowledge, but, in taking responsibility for your role in it, understanding that it isn’t necessarily the relationship, but your need to come into awareness of the self, the individuation process. That’s everything, that is when we start to do the work as individuals. Relationship is simply the most beautiful catalyst for change or growth of the self. Whether you choose to work through it or leave, the outcome is about YOU. Reach out when you ready.

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