The Secret Journey of Men
- The Virtual Couch
- Jun 11
- 5 min read
Over the last 5yrs in my therapy practice, I have been privileged to be able to sit extensively with men; in groups, in men’s circles, in relationship work and in countless one on one sessions tracking the fibre of what makes them who they are today. There seems to be something extremely healing in having an objective woman hold a man in a non-confrontational, gentle, unconditional space. That’s what the therapeutic process can do and through this powerful dynamic, I have witnessed their first faltering tentative steps out of depression, anxiety, pain, grief, loss, addiction, abuse…out of the darkness and, into the light towards hope.
I have been valued enough to have been trusted to do this, to be allowed into men’s deeply personal psyches; to guide them, to bear witness to their truths, their fears, their desires, their pain, their love, their secrets, their loss and their deep deep seated childhood wounding. Through this process, I’ve watched grown men breaking down, time and time again, crying uncontrollably as all the years of repressed pain that was never allowed to surface and, more importantly, never been given an outlet, erupts into the light. I have seen them cower, shudder with guilt and shame quietly unable to access and process their feelings because, they were told, in so many insidious ways, the way they felt had no value and it was wrong. Because of my relationship work I watch the other side play out in the room and this got me thinking about, how hard it is for our men today to get it right. There is an innate confusion around expectation of what it means to be a man, and what does that mean in intimate partnership with a woman?
Many men are being positioned as uncaring, unsupportive, emotionally stunted by their partners that eventually, not only do they start to believe it, they become it. Yet the men I see in front of me are the antithesis of this; in the room they are loving, loyal, kind, funny, charismatic, fiercely protective of their women and families, potent in their sexual drive yet, at home, they have become mute & emasculated. Why, why is it so hard to speak our truths? They seem to become so isolated and alone, even in relationships or marriages, sometimes even more so, because of the women that profess to love them. Time and time again men are allowing themselves to be ‘abused’ in a sense because they betray themselves in order to keep this strange peace, and around and around we go, the negative loop keeps feeding into itself. Women end up with the man at home they don’t respect, value, worship or want.
As each layer starts to peel away, due to the sheer connected, unconditional space of authenticity and non judgement, I started wondering why that is so hard to have within our own lives, in our most intimate partnerships? How can we start to train ourselves to ask for that, to insist on it being nurtured in our relationships.
How can we, as women, breathe life back into the heart of a man who has lost his way or been put down so many times by life, expectation and the women who profess to love them.
Men are being challenged to evolve, to grow to move into more conscious awareness. But, what also seems to be happening over the last decade is, they are not being supported in their masculine strength, they are being beaten down and their confidence destroyed in the process.
How do we help our men heal from the bashing, the transgenerational trauma, from trauma bonds, from dysfunctional attachment styles, from the narcissistic wound, from the mother wound, the father wound, being prescribed to, sent to the army, years of systemic abuse. How can we try understand how different cultures and societies deal with a man’s journey, especially with men of colour with the years of familial racial discrimination in this diverse South Africa today.
What do we need to call women to do men, how do we want them to show up?
The process of man’s individuation is based on monomyth of the hero’s journey; as there is inherent struggle in each stage of this….his….BECOMING. As women, we can help with that process or, we can invalidate, threaten, defend: thus hinder that growth and land up with the shell of a man that we don’t want. I have sat so many times in relationship counselling hearing myself reflected in women and yet, from the objective other side of the couch, I can, with absolute clarity tell her; wait a minute, that’s not about HIM, that’s about you, that’s your stuff, you need to do that work on yourself so you can come to him with an expansive space, not projecting all your own unmet needs and childhood wounding onto him and into a relationship that wouldn’t have a chance of survival without the awareness.
I work so much with the IMAGO and the mirror, the projection, the reflection of ourselves onto the other. We don’t necessarily grow in isolation but through that mirror we start to see aspects of ourselves that we don’t necessarily want to confront but, this helps us so profoundly in our evolution of becoming. So many come to me with a 'relationship issue'; she thinks it is him, he states it is her yet, once we break it down, it is actually about the individual, that’s where the work lies. That’s why the relationship work is so powerful and beautiful to see unfold.
It's time we allowed our men to take back their power: that is the first step. Understanding that we have very different specific roles to play within the relationship dynamic, is the next. Allowing our men to be vulnerable in their pain, holding unconditional space but also allowing them to be strong in their innate masculinity and needs. Sometimes that means yielding, none of this means you are demeaning women, taking control away. Men seem to be so afraid of stepping into their power that part of them shrinks and become less than, women retaliate by becoming more powerful, less forgiving, less gentle, respect disappears alongside confidence, sexual drive and the desire to protect and take ownership of certain parts of the innate masculine.
In many ways, right now, we are dealing with different groups of men, in different cultures, in different generations all experiencing a very similar thing today: deep loss of self, confusion and no sense of belonging in family and relationship while they fight to find out what their role is, what is expected of them, who they really are and what they have become.
They have become somewhat displaced men, men who have somehow lost their voice. And part of that sadly, is because of women. So how do we unknowingly or knowingly cause that? I know I have done it plenty in relationship, being a strong woman does not mean we need to always be in control and control our men. How can we learn to soften, to support, to hold and start conscious patterning within our relationships, start changing years of conditioning, knee jerk automatic reactive behaviour and drop our defences. How do we present a more balanced role model to show our daughters and sons that it is possible to shift the dynamic into a much more evolved view of relationship and acceptance of the role of our men.
Let’s embrace our men stepping back into their power and bow down before them in appreciation and acceptance. Millions of men suffer in silence from mental health issues each year, yet less than half seek help, highlighting the importance of Men's Mental Health Awareness Month in June.
We are listening, I am here reach out www.thevirtualcouchcounselling.com
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